June 17, 2005

  • [ mood ] ::


    [ quote ] :: "i was on the phone with my boo boo!" - me, "what you skinned your knee a put it to the phone?" - rodger


    [ xangsta ] :: NYCJOYCE


    [ flashback fridays ] :: wooo hooo


    click here to read 02.07.04


    this was the one of my ranty-est posts ever... i just bitched the whole time... and it was so funny... hilarious... i bitched about the janet jackson thing, about stupid teenagers, about my ex and his now fiancee... it was just a really hilarious post... 2 thumbs up...



    ok so... today was kinda boring... as always...


    i didnt clean not ONE bit today... i refused... i wasnt about to go and do it just so someone could turn around and junk it up...


    the following is rather long but worth the read... or at least i think so... i didnt feel like linking people anymore so... you should know who's who...


    so anyways i'm gonna rant a bit on my love life... which is gonna be interesting so everyone be sure to read this... last year around this time i was hung up over a certain individual and really i still am... i love cory more than anything in this world but maybe god put us together for a different reason... maybe not to be soulmates... although i could be wrong and if i am thats wonderful but if not... i'm not upset about that either. so anyways i was stuck up cory's ass and basically screwing around with this someone which i will now not disclose any names... basically that was all i was givin to work with... the guy i was screwing around with was a great friend of mine and someone that i love dearly too... you never stop loving those you've had a past with.  now we jump from 2004 to 2005 and here i am... basically i've had a total of about 4 guys stuck up my ass... which i find weird cause i've never been the girl who grabs guy's attention... maybe when i was in middle school but definitely not now.  and here's the line up... justin was "head over heels" in love with me (i do quotations cause i dont know) but screwed things up and doesnt contact me for 3 months.  he just expects me to throw my life upside down because now he called.  then i meet a really great guy... we'll call him adrian.  he really isnt my type in someways but for some odd reason i just cant shake him.  then i met a guy through xanga that i had all intentions of just being friends with, because i try not to expect too much from people when it comes to dating.  he ends up coming on way too strong even in a friendly sense and i lose interest.  he basically freaks out, insults me, and over dramatizes the whole ordeal.  and of course occassionally my friend from last year calls me every once in while.  so where does that leave me.  well obviously the guy from xanga gets no more mention because it was a stupid situation.  my friend doesnt get a mention because although i love him dearly it didnt work out with us for a reason.  that leaves me between justin and adrian... and for a while i was confused... because here is justin telling me he wants this and this and this (all the things i desperately want to hear) and here is adrian giving me no guarantees but i can tell that it could go somewhere.  well adrian and i had a few disagreements and whatnot (the weight issue, past relationship issues) so i figured even as badly as i was hurt from justin why not give him an inch... and so i did... and it's really funny... when he couldnt have me, he was being so romantic and perfect... as of recently when i gave him an ok... i suddenly dont hear from him.  as julia roberts says in pretty woman "big mistake! HUGE MISTAKE!" i dont have time for the stupid games. either you want me or you dont and obviously you dont.  so there i was lonely as all GET OUT... occassionally adrian and i would talk, just as friends because we decided to remain friends.  well deep down inside... i'm wanting adrian.  so every now we text, we flirt, we call each other... whatever. now i get to a great part...


    yesterday adrian came over mary kay's and ebony watched goog for a minute while we went to the bank, blockbuster, and mcdonalds... and as uncomfortable as it should have been between the two of us (for those lost in the loop, he broke up with me because of my weight.  he said he wasnt physically attracted to me).... it wasnt... at all.  he kept saying cute things and being real gentlemen like.  so we come back to the house and eat and popped in HITCH... which is by far the worse let down i ever experienced... moving on... we ended up kissing... nothing hot and heavy but just a lil bit... we ended up going outside for a cigarette and he had made some comment and i shot back with "you dont deserve that kind of attention.  you arent my boyfriend.  besides you arent attracted to me like that..." which was me being a bitch about why we broke up. then he confesses something. he didnt break up with me because of my weight.  he broke up with me because he has a fear of being in a committment with me.  now you may ask why a 23 year old man has this issue... because when he graduates from aviation school he wants to move out of state and he knew that i wouldnt fly for it... so he said i made up something mean instead of saying "i dont wanna fall in love with you and then you break my heart by not following me where i need to go." well it makes perfect sense now... he asked me would i move... and i said no.  i stand firm on my answer and it broke him down and we had a long deep discussion about moving out of state.  this boy was trying every thing under the sun to persuade me to move... and i could tell.... he's completely fallen for me... he wont dare say it now and i dont want him to but i could see it when he was talking to me.  after an hour long discussion we realized that the two of us were so desperate to make the other one either go or stay.  he keeps compromising on my end but he knows i cant compromise my family.  he said if i had a better opportunity here than he had somewhere else he'd stay here, if norfolk international gets off their ass he'll stay, or if i change him in a profound way he'll stay. and i compromised a teensy bit... if he gets a job in NC... i'll go with him but anywhere else no. and he kept bending himself for me... which it suddenly went off in my end "this guy is so smitten with me, that he's including me in his plans and he is trying his damnest to make sure i stay in his plans".  on top of that he was talking about a life together... not just something for right now... something that could last and mature into the life i want.  i just have to stop and thank god for it and pray that it all works out.


    ok that was a ridiculously long post... im so sorry ya'll... but thanks for letting me share that with ya'll... much love xoxo


    <3 jay



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