hey it's me again. i've been spending time on thanksgiving break, trying to really enjoy the break. trying to cope with the loss of my nephew. & trying to swallow other people's reactions to his death. i guess people deal with things in certain ways by not knowing what to say, acting sad when they really arent, acting happy when they really arent. it's hard because some people have never experienced death close to them. they dont know what it feels like to lose someone close to them. i've lost a few family members as i got older and it's never easy but you realize whats ok and whats not ok during a time of pain. i just dont know how to explain how were coping with stuff.

today was a horrible day. my best friend & her husband lost their 2 month old baby boy (my nephew). we couldnt wait for that lil booger to get here & now he's gone. i cant believe it. i'm so lost right now. i'm so angry. i'm so hurt. i'm upset. i'm so..... nothing at all. i cant imagine the pain jaz is going through right now. & her husband was stationed in iraq this whole time. he never even got to see that beautiful baby. worst of all she's in new york (she was visiting family) & i cant be there with her to hug her & hold her. i cant help her at all & i feel so helpless. i just wish this was a bad dream & that i when i wake up tomorrow he'll still be here. i just wish i could hold him & kiss him one last time. i wish he knew how much we loved him and how much his mommy & daddy loved him. he was our miracle baby. please keep our "family" in your prayers.

tonie lee sims
snoopy
09.24.06 - 11.23.06

my squishy.

i love you so much baby.
give jesus a big hug & kiss for me.
remember me when i get to heaven
cause i got lots of love for you baby.

your mommy loves you so much!

hey ya'll...

i'm back for a minute. just thought i'd let everyone know that i'm alive and well. i really really really need to start updating this on a regular basis but i just really seem to forget. that drives me bonkers. but anyways i do want to update ya'll on whats been going on in my life.

- adrian and i are doing fabulous. he is absolutely great as always. we've been handed a few curve balls though. the only think that i think i could change about adrian if i could would have to be the person he becomes when he drinks. he doesnt drink a lot or even often, but when he does... he is not adrian. he's angry, defensive, just a plain asshole. back in september i think he got a DUI which we went to court for last week. he lost his license with permission to drive to and from work and his ASAP classes. last night when our little second family had thanksgiving, things got out of hand and him and another dude got into a fight. needless to say both of them got crazy with it. it was just horrible. we had a long good talk about his limits and who he is when he drinks. i think he finally realizes he cannot drink like he use to when he was younger. so thats that.

- school is going great. i really couldnt be any happier with the grades i've been getting back. i feel like i'm finally focuses in my life. for once, school is not a real serious burden for me. more like an enjoyment and way to grow in my education. i love it. i just finished counting up my credits and it looks like i'll be graduating spring 08 if everything goes smoothly. if classes are offered when they can be. i just hope and pray that things will work out. i'm so excited about graduating. then i can focus on getting married and starting my family!

- friends. haha. friends. thats a joke. no seriously i have wonderful friends: amber, phylania, jaz, dora, randy, etc. i love them. as you probably noticed ebony is no longer in that list. it would take me forever to explain why we arent on the status that we use to be, but if you've been a faithful reader... you've known that in the past her and i have just had our times of hardships. lately, she wasnt a friend. not to me, and not to the rest of the girls. and if i had realized how true she wasnt all these years, i would have left and saved myself a lot of pain and tears. but oh well. i moved on, i wrote her off. i mean we are still friends to the degree of being kind and saying hello and speaking occassionally. but i dont confide in her, i dont trust her -- i just dont love her like i use to. it's really sad. 10 years of friendship gone down the drain because people dont appreciate their friends, they dont tell the truth, and they dont stay true to themselves. but god has got me through it.

- my godson, chase, and my nephew, tonie, are doing great. they are so precious. i love them sooooo much.

basically thats about it. i'll probably update this sometime next month to let everyone know how this semester turned out. please send comments, it really helps me feel like blogging here again.  once again if you have a myspace hit me up.

www.myspace.com/poeticmurder2003