yeah i know this is a repeat but... i dont see enough people...

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com! 

i'd really like to see all my xanga people up in the scoreboards... <333

so far ANDI seems to be whoopin some ass... HAHA... xoxo

scroll down for today's post...

[ mood ] ::  broken

[ quote ] :: "well if it means anything to you... your ass looks fabulous in those pants!" - jaz

[ xangsta ] :: TheOneAndOnlyJ - awww xoxo **

[ new subs ] :: away_messages_4_u - thanks xo <3

[ freaky fridays ] :: call me crazy but this isnt a big hit is it???

i'm thinking about changing this...

and i really dont feel like it right now...

IT'S GOOD FRIDAY... <3 the love should be all around...

as bad as i am... as much as i sin... as much as i delight in the ugly... there was a man that went through agonizing pain so that i wouldnt have to in hell... that blows me away... i always look at it as... god loved me so much... that he sent his son, HIS CHILD... to be ridiculed, tortured, and murdered... so that i could have a life with him... it just doesnt get any better than that... WOW...

but romantic love... ugh that love...

I HATE LOVE... IT JUST PLAIN OUT SUCKS!!! LMAO

what sucks the most is that it doesnt work for everyone... the thing with love is it's a fuckin game (sorry god lol it's good friday)... you love this person, they love you but they love someone else, that person is in love with another person... it just goes around in a circle... it's not right... you cant be in love with everyone... i'm dying right now on the inside because i'm in love and that person is in another world, they have no freakin clue what they are doing... as if that isnt bad enough... i'm getting a re-enactment of all this from my friends... and i'm trying to make sense of that... i really cant take the pain anymore... i feel like dumping my inside on xanga right now and letting my heart just pour out... but i wont cause thats weakness... or is it?  it's not so much of my heart breaking... it's watching someone else's heart shatter that kills me... maybe i will just come out and say it...

i love cory - jesus it's been a while since i typed that... and i miss him... and if he reads this i dont really care... i'm coming clean... you think you know everything about me... and you dont... you think i dont know you... but i do... i know you think i cry every night but i dont, and you probably think that you run across my thought every second, and you do, but it doesnt kill me... and while i'm not shattered like i was before, that doesnt mean it dont hurt just as bad as it did when it happened... you are the ONLY guy that has made a positive impact on my life... you are the ONLY guy who has helped me see things the way the rest of the world see them... you are the ONLY guy that has reached a certain depth in my being that WILL NOT let go... i've let you go and still you rack my brain... I HATE IT... but i love you... and while this is all so bittersweet... it makes me feel better about myself at times... it's so beautiful really... i still love you, i'm a better person because i love you... i made my mind up long ago about who and what you are to me... nothing is gonna change that... i dont expect nothing from you... i just expect you...

lovers scorn... but god it hurts the same when your best friend does it too... ebony i love you... please dont shut me out... you have the opportunity to have what i've been fighting for... so please dont let it go... <3

anyways i kinda have a big day ahead of me... with school, and doctor, and i dunno...

oh yeah... this is a first... 100%... A BIG DAT FOR JOSH HARTNETT

as bad as the day got to... i realized that it's not all that horrible... and nothing made me more happier than to see all those comments from you guys... <3 i love ya'll

dont get me wrong... i'm not down or nothing... actually i feel AMAZING that i said that... it was something that needed to be said... much love xoxo

<3 jay

- vote for me, rate & review my site... puhleeze <3

SUPPORT THE TROOPS :: Air_Land_or_Sea

READ MY POETRY :: my_w0rds_are_like_water

[ mood ] ::  today is MUCH better

[ quote ] :: "DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH??? I'M AMERICAN BITCH!! ::makes machine gun noise::" - me, joking tee... he supposedly gunned someone down today with his platoon

[ xangsta ] :: TheOneAndOnlyJ - i lub her... she's awesome **

[ new subs ] :: LilCutieMunchkin - SHE IS GREAT!! MUHAHA

[ dis or dat thursday ] :: i deliver, you dish!!

ok so i'm on a guy rampage... so i begged my dear sweet xanga husband, scott, to come up with someone... and here we go...

you may know him from movies like "pearl harbor" or "wicker park"... he's gonna be starring in "sin city" which is to be released in movie theaters soon... yes ladies (& gentlemen probably dont care lol) close your mouths and wipe the drool... it's josh hartnett...

yes... i have xanga husband... for those faithful readers since 2003... my ex husband ER... is no longer with us... he said goodbye to xanga... plus i wanted me a younger husband anyway... it was love at first blog... LMAO

i have another rant... but it's not about people it's about SUNCOM/CINGULAR... ugh

ok so i've been a suncom (at&t wireless) customer for nearly... 4 years now... and a few months ago cingular bought out suncom... in january my dad and i bought new phones... we asked the salesman "will these phones be compatible with the new network thats in progress"... this idiot says "yes"... well we get a letter in the mail last week saying... all suncom customers have to turn in their phones and recieve cingular compatible phones... WTF??  i'm outraged... we just spent close to $250 on new phones... and of course the phones they are giving out... together will not amount to that... but whatever... i'm kinda looking forward to to flip phone... i'm sick of nokia...

so i have to turn in this....

for this...

which i'll admit isnt a bad switch... it has most of the things my phone has... basically all of them... accept it downloads real music ringtones...WOO HOO

got this from my newest sub...

Description of Your First Name of: Jennifer

Even though the name Jennifer creates the urge to be artistically creative and original, we emphasize that it causes an emotional intensity that is hard to control. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the nervous system, and tension or accidents to the head.

The name Jennifer creates a dual nature in that you can be very generous and understanding, but you can also be so candid in your expression that you create misunderstanding. You struggle with the requirement to soften your expression with tact and diplomacy and to consider the feelings of others. Difficulty in accepting advice or admitting that you may have made a mistake causes you to appear to be stubborn and set in your ways. Thus, you have too often created the wrong impression, and friendships have suffered.

ok anyways... yeah... so i went to class today... HAHA i'm sorry that was too hilarious for me... i did and i felt bad cause there is this guy in there that i guy have the eyes for... and i felt like i've neglected him... hehe LMAO

it rained like crazy today... it was horrible but the temperature was GREAT!!! i'm so happy spring is here... i love spring... another sign that spring is here... spiders are wildly attracted to my bathroom (they just chill in the shower)... this week 2 spiders... i nearly collasped cause i'm deathly afraid of spiders... BUGH ... and then when i came home today a dead hornet was on the porch... yes spring is definately here... bugs are out and about... UGH i'm looking so forward to the mosquitos

alright well lemme go cause nick is about to have a coniption fit if i dont talk to him immediately LOL i'll holla much love xoxo

<3 jay

oh yes... do it and tell me how nerdy you all are LMAO lol

oh and if you havent... (only 4 people)

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

scroll down... duh <3

[ mood ] ::  and  in that order

[ quote ] :: "two words: hair cuttery - cuttery coral!" - jaz

[ xangsta ] :: TheOneAndOnlyJ - PROP HER... yea do it **

[ new subs ] :: none... haha who cares??

[ waste of your time wednesday ] :: quizzes with html codes too!! oh joy!!

What does your t-shirt say? by rejektedrockstar
Name
Age
Fav. Color
Gender	FemaleMaleI dunno...
Ta-Da
Quiz created with MemeGen!

blah blah blah ... yea it's like that... LMAO

before i go on... on the calender there is a heart... and it still beats for you... it has been since 3.23.98... i love you and i miss you...

this must be my ranting month because that’s all i seem to do… but let me rant on two topics tonight/today whatever the fuck. i’m in a nasty mood so deal with it.  i hate stupid girls and i hate men who whine.  let me elaborate…

it seems anytime i leave a comment on some guy’s site 10,000 girls feel the need to look up and down my site.  and they never say anything.  it’s just a quick read.  why? because their nosey.  girls have this possessive thing going on… which I will admit, if I was “talking” or a guy, “dating” a guy, or “serious” with a guy… i would probably check out some people’s sites… but not if we’re just friends.  jesus.  yes i commented on his site… and you have come here to find out who the hell i am… well save the time trying to find the one post where i probably speak on him, and just ask me your damn self.  i’m sick of females, i hate them all.  anytime i leave a comment on ryan’s, scott’s, drew’s, or whoever the hell else… 10,000 girls come up to my site to compare me with them.  please honey… if i wanted your man (in most cases he isn’t even their man), he would be mine. Got it? grrrrreat….

next topic, men who whine (and i'm gonna address this in the psyc way).  someone must rid the world of these guys.  cause they are polluting the dating grounds.  i had a friend.  it didn’t work out.  but we continued to be friends, until a rather DUMB incident happened.  if you wanna throw around negative words like “unintelligent” to me, then i got a few words to throw at you.  how about "hypocrital", "obsessive", "cocky" (for no reason to add), and "immature"?  you spend a great deal of time obsessing over things that are so MINOR that when something big happens you'll miss it.  i've lost two fiancee's and two men i loved deeply, but i do not bash them here.  the time i was with them and what they did to me is so more complex than a girl leading you on for the duration of 2 months. these characteristics you have are probably the answer to your big question: "what did i do to deserve this"? i dont think it's coincidence that these "things" happen to you... while some girls may play the game, you need to learn how to play back.  we do not respond to being treated inferior or like objects.  you are not the prize to be won, we are.  point blank, you need to do some serious growing up. this is why you cannot find a lasting relationship.  you cannot be something to someone, if you're obsessed with somebody else. it's that simple. and i'm prepared to be your new "psychobitch", which i hope you take heed to my advice and cut it.  you bashing me doesnt help anything.  if anything it will deter your future relationships. i dont hold on to grudges, because thats life.  5 year olds hold grudges, 20 year olds move on.  please find a distinction...

wooo ok... sorry you had to witness that first hand... it sucks when guys show off for nothing... it's not impressive and it's not cool. some guys hold no respect for themselves, or females.  i had to cut that with knife.

anyone new to this site... i usually dont act like this... this week has been one crazy day after another... i just had to get these things off my chest so i can bury them... yes i bury them...

god forgive me... and get me through the rest of this week

anyways... i'm kinda beat... i need to go to sleep and get ready for tomorrow... yikes... whatever lol much love xoxo

<3 jay

- vote for me, rate & review my site... puhleeze <3

SUPPORT THE TROOPS :: Air_Land_or_Sea

READ MY POETRY :: my_w0rds_are_like_water

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

i'd really like to see all my xanga people up in the scoreboards... <333

scroll down for today's post...

[ mood ] ::  i'm better

[ quote ] :: "fuck that! we're watching 'legends of the hidden temple'" - amber, cause she has GAS which is like throwback nickelodeon shows

[ xangsta ] :: TheOneAndOnlyJ - she's is really uber cool... haha **

[ new subs ] ::  it's ok tho...

[ this is jay every- tuesday ] :: my life plan... or so it seems...

i figure this would be a good time to talk about life since i seem to be so caught up in it... i will admit life isnt going the way i thought it would, not at all.  for one i thought my nana would be here, i thought my grandfather would be here.  they were two people that made me strive to be where i am now.  and i love them very much for the record. RIP to both of them.  right now i'm 20.  a few years ago (around 17 and 18) i had a plan set up for my life.  i wanted to get married right after hs and have my first child by 21.  apparently none of that happened or will happen.  i thought cory would always be around.  he has found happiness in his work (which is good kudos to him).  at 17 and 18 i was sure i found the man i was gonna spend the rest of my life with... but unfortunately the plan i set up wasnt jive with him... which probably is one reason of many that he split.  i'm not mad tho.  i probably would have done the same.  and if he reads this i'm sorry about that.  anyways... since cory and i broke up.  i got a new look on life.  i realized that graduating hs didnt make things easier... it made it harder.  almost immediately after we broke up... i had a new change of heart.  i dont want the things i use to want.  well i do... just not so quickly.  my girlfriends are responsible for my change of heart as well... i've seen nearly ALL of my girlfriends get pregnant or get married.  i saw things in them that i saw in myself with cory.  and i realized how wacked my perception was. i saw how stupid i was.  which brings me to my life plan... god willing (seriously)... i hold on to faith that things will still work.  i hope to marry the man i fell in love with long ago... no particular time but no earlier than 22 or 23... and i have no desire to have children until i'm graduated and have a stable job. it's not fair to me, it's not fair to my future husband, and it's not fair to my future children.  and when i do have kids you're damn right i'm gonna have TONS of them... i realized i can barely take care of myself (financially), and i dont really have time to be married or have children now.  i really dont.  but in the end i know, what god wants, that is what will happen, and i will be happy with his decision.

thanks to everyone for their kind words... i realize that me crying wont change my girlfriends minds... they will do what makes them happy... and i guess i cant stand in their way.  i just dont want to lose them.

andi, thanks honey... i knew you had no intention of leaving ya know out of state.  i know you'll always been here.  and i love you for that.  yes, we do need to do a middle school sleep over... haha

another thing, i dont think many people understood what i was getting at with the whole love thing.  a lot of people dont know the situation at hand with my love life and i'm not gonna delve into it right now but basically... im deeply and madly in love with someone.  i'm not sure if it's not right for us now or not right for us ever... but i hold on to faith (like i said) that whatever happens, happens.  i have dated and met people.  i've liked other people, hell i fell in love too since cory and i split.  but i know deep down that it's unlikely for me to have what i've had with cory, with anyone else.  mary kay says when you see them god taps you on the shoulder and says "thats the one idiot"... everytime i see him, god does that. i could be wrong... but i'm positive that i feel that way.

soooooo lalala i hope he doesnt read that... seriously... ugh

anyways... my bad carson and ebony arent back together... they are just working out things... man, what i wouldnt do for that...

can i just say damn the idiot who came up with birth control... cause the idea SUCKS major ASS... or more like the side effects do...

ok but today... i went to wal-mart with tory and shopped my ass off... then we went to lunch... had fun... thats the real tory... then i got up with ebony and we went to see amber (my oldest and dearest friend) and her baby... he has gotten so big... he's a cutie pie.  amber kept saying how good i am with children... i think it's natural for some girls... i have a mother like need to care.  i have the magic touch. hehe

anyways i'm gonna go to bed early tonight... i dont have the patience haha much love xoxo

<3 jay

- vote for me, rate & review my site... puhleeze <3

SUPPORT THE TROOPS :: Air_Land_or_Sea

READ MY POETRY :: my_w0rds_are_like_water

[ mood ] ::

[ quote ] :: "everyone is on crack..." - me, talking to mary kay

[ xangsta ] :: TheOneAndOnlyJ - a super sweetie **

[ new subs ] :: Nickis4urheart, xXxSilentEmotionsxXx - TAYNX <3

[ just click it mondays ] :: didnt i change this?? or maybe i should?

i think it needs to go... HELP ME OUT HERE...

yeah... maybe i should change this to comic mondays... and just pick some comic... doesnt matter... yea good idea... i didnt need help LOL

actually X that... the comic strip wont work... so i do need help lol

AHA!! FIRST DAY OF SPRING!! or so the calender says...

i usually dont go so in depth with the concerning topic because i know someone reads this... and i dont want them to think the wrong thing... but i'm sick of holding my tongue for everyone cause i dont wanna hurt someone or offend my readers... so i'm gonna say it... but i'm gonna leave names out

well ok in regards to the smiley this isnt a good day... it's a horrible day... it didnt come out that way... but it ended that way... so i'm leaving my house and apparently i missed a called... it was one of my gf's telling me that if i needed something to call her bf's phone cause she left her's at home... which suddenly made me come down... cause now i realize they will be spending their time together once again and i'll be left... they have things to catch up on... then my head started racing and i realize "i'm lonely"... i have been for close to 2 years now... because an individual decided he wanted to up and leave the greatest thing that ever happened to both of us... then i realized "i'm the only one of us who doesnt have someone"... then i realized "everyone is gonna get married and move away"... all of my gf's have the desire to leave VA (one is gonna go to a school across country)... and i'll be stuck here forever being lonely... by this time i'm crying my eyes out... i didnt realize this next one, it's a given... "i miss him"... and i was trying to pull myself together and stop crying saying "jay stop it! cut it out now! crying isnt solving this! just stop it!" which i'm sure anyone driving next to me was thinking... "whata weirdo??"

i got to mary kay's and told her what i've been thinking... she told me that i'd never be lonely because she'd always be there... which makes me feel better but i want my girls with me... is that selfish for me to want them? because i need them? i told her "as if it's bad enough that the one person i loved split on me... all my gf's go nuts on me... and then my grandfather dies... i really dont know how much more i can take!" and i really dont... material things dont hold nothing for me... i care about people... even those that dont think i do...

ebony, jaz, mary kay, p.lane, deanna, andi, tory, cory, veronica, amber, rodger, carson, kris, kevin, my family... i love them... i may not show it... and they may not know... but i love them... i'd do anything for them...

ok blah thats enough

i checked my grades on blackboard for S&P (my worse class)... i just knew i bombed that test i took... i knew it deep down... i made a 72... by the grace of god... i dont see how thats possible...

god must be working on me... so i cant be but so mad... he is so good...

ok well i promised pictures a long time ago of people... so yea

this was the day my grandfather died... veronica took me and ebony out to my favorite restuarant for some cheering up... which worked... we thought it'd be funny to do the cop/criminal photo... look at ebony's face LMAO

two of my favorite girls since we were 12!! ebony & veronica...

this is me after my granddaddy funeral... my hair was BONE straight...

my other favorite girl... jaz... my emotional ROCK... <3

my super sweet 16 year old... native american princess... deanna

one of my favorite pics from last night... jackee flippin me the bird...

blah blah blah ok so yea... thats it... man that was a post alright LOL

i cant tell you how awesome you guys are for everything... you guys are so sweet and nice... and everything... i swear sometimes you beat my real friends and thats hard to come by... thanks for everything... much love xoxo

<3 jay

- vote for me, rate & review my site... puhleeze <3

SUPPORT THE TROOPS :: Air_Land_or_Sea

READ MY POETRY :: my_w0rds_are_like_water

[ mood ] ::

[ quote ] :: "wow i didnt know you could dance..." - jenet, at deanna's party

[ xangsta ] :: !!NEW!! TheOneAndOnlyJ - SOOOO COOL!!! **

[ new subs ] ::  another slump... booo

[ the sunday seven ] :: copy and paste in comments

what one person has made a serious impact in your life?

is there anything you feel bad about?

drinking age 21: yay or nay?

do you believe that there is only one person for everyone?

favorite smell(s)?

are you starting to hate mtv?

do you want to have children? if so how many?

ok so i literally had a blast tonight... it was deanna's sweet 16 party... she's my youngest girlfriend... haha she lit all of her 16 candles and dedicated all of them to certain people... i was one of them... i was touched that i'm a role model to her... i hope that i can always be there for her... she's great...

so ebony and carson are back together... yayee... i'm happy cause it proves that maybe things will just work out for me... if they can do it... i know... well i wont say it... last night was i was gonna rant about how i know a certain person reads this... but i'll just keep that information to myself... maybe he'll read right over this LMAO... yea i miss you...

oh another thing that pisses me off... (continuing from last night)... i prop people... random people... because i like their site and they kick ass... then they come up on my site... but dont say anything... kinda like say "yea i'm sweet but you suck" LMAO... i'm a comment whore i cant help that... but common courtesy... i leave you propz at least acknowledge it... blah

oh well... i looked slammin!!! really... everyone was telling how hott i was tonight... and i dont hear that often so i was soakin it up... even tho i dont really agree with them... i looked better than i usually do but yea... lol

anyways i have to errands to run tomorrow... i was gonna go to church but last sunday i cried so hard... we had communion and pastor was talking about "he who eats this bread shall have eternal life" and i just busted out crying cause i know my granddaddy is in heaven... and grandma was crying cause granddaddy use to pass the bread (mini cracker thingies) and wine (grapejuice) around... and i felt so horrible about some things that i went to the altar and prayed and was crying and grandma told me "i love you.... and so does granddaddy..." and that was too much for me to take... so i'm gonna pass this sunday...

anyways i need to go to sleep... blah much love xoxo

<3 jay

- vote for me, rate & review my site... puhleeze <3

SUPPORT THE TROOPS :: Air_Land_or_Sea

READ MY POETRY :: my_w0rds_are_like_water

[ mood ] ::  blah

[ quote ] :: "hey if you're old enough to do the nasty, you're old enough to wake up at 3 am and change the diaper!" - me, talking about jackee and peewee having tons of sex...

[ xangsta ] :: Lalaine19RN - last day... go love her **

[ new subs ] :: Strong_Enuf_2_Break - hanson fan!! woo hoo

[ photogenic saturdays ] :: NEW NAME... NEW FEATURE

i figured you guys werent diggin the MP3's so this will just be pics... lemme know exactly what i should do with this...

this is art done by andy worhol... it's really debby harry from blondie

and this is marilyn monroe... of course...

give me something to search PUHLEEZE!!!

**************************************************************

ok so... damn me i didnt go to class again... i know i'm missing so much knowledge... haha

anyways i cleaned my room finally... this is a big accomplishment... i'm stoked...

yeah i havent had much to say... just because things have slipped from my head... i'm usually like "ooo you wait til i write about this" but i havent had much to think about... other than stuff i dont want to share at the moment...

i guess i could talk a bit on tory... so sade called me and told me, her, tory, peewee, and jackee went to the mall today... mind you peewee and jackee should have been IN SCHOOL!!! but then she told me about how peewee has sticky fingers in the mall and stole close to $60 worth of shit.... i went slam off... tory doesnt realize that peewee and jackee will me escorted home in cop car... her BEING AN ADULT... will be escorted to jail... hmm

i guess another thing to comment on... so many people come to my site and then dont say anything... i dont understand... like i admit i go around to people's pages but if they arent worth it... then i dont usually say anything... but as much crap as i put on this you'd think someone would say "hey cool site"... i'm not talking about epropz... although i love them (keep them rolling)... people dont say anything... makes me feel bad... really... and i dont really know why some people are featured... ya know... they dont have anything on their page except a one liner... (which I HATE) and they've havent been on xanga as long as i have...

another thing... i'm on the xanga topsites... but i'm like #200 something... because everybody who's up there is either a music xanga or a html xanga... that pisses me off... your site has no content... i dont care about how fly your site looks... i wanna read something good ya know... something cool... i'm not hella cool but i have better stuff that some people... and i dont understand why nichole isnt #1 on that list... lol

i feel like saying something out there... but i will keep that information to myself

lol well that was a post i guess... yeah... i think i'm gonna go watch bambi and call it a night... ooo i saw the incredibles... I LOVED IT!!!

nite ya'll much love xoxo

<3 jay

- vote for me, rate & review my site... puhleeze <3

SUPPORT THE TROOPS :: Air_Land_or_Sea

READ MY POETRY :: my_w0rds_are_like_water